ledgelife

I’m the guy that people trample on. I’m the doormat. It’s pathetic. What’s worse is, I let myself be that pathetic. My parents and other people note that I’m always self-relient and self-centered. I think it’s fucking bigotted that they even tell me that. Don’t they think I know? I know myself better than anyone. The reason why I always feel the need to do things myself and do thing for myself is that I can’t depend on anyone I know to make me happy or do those things for me.

My dad is too involved with what he thinks is right for me to be this Christian man he sees me to be, and yet he’s a hypocrite who equates mandated submission with love. My mom sees me as this responsible son. She sees me as the only son who’s worth counting on. I don’t want her trust. It’s selfish, I know. A lot of kids out there blew it and are now craving for the respect and trust of their parents. But no matter how much I love my mom, I want to stop trusting me with so much responsibility. She always thinks I’m going to do stuff for her because I’m the responsible one, because I’m the son who didn’t screw up. Fuck you mom. I’m writing that down because I want you to get mad at me for once. I don’t want to be your bitchboy son. I’m going to regret this once you’re dead. But really, now, I just want to be selfish. Pass the responsibility to my brother for once. If he screws up again, shame on him. But the truth is, mom, if you don’t put trust on my brother, put responsibilities on his plate, he going to get more screwed up than he already is. I’m the elder sibling here and my brother treats me like shit. He’s only nice when he needs something, but most of the times, he treats me like shit. I’ve been too nice. I’ve always been the concerned older brother. I get mad at him all the time but I never fight. If I try to reprimand him, he just brushes me off like dust on his nose. I blame my mom for always taking his side.

I’m tired of carrying my own burdens. People keep asking me to be there for them and do stuff for them, but no ever reciprocates. No one. Not even my goddamn friends. I want to be needed by somebody not because people need me to do something for them. I want to be needed for me. No, don’t that religion and diety talk. I don’t want that. I want someone actually tangible to need me.  I’ve written this before and yet I’m still frustrated. I probably will still be frustrated in the future, not until I find someone who can actually pull me out of this muck.

I don’t even know where to begin with this. I don’t have anything cheesy or interesting catch phrase to make this look interesting or aesthetically pleasing… I just want to be honest. I just spent two hours of my day, lying on a couch, watching a movie that put me to tears. It isn’t even a movie worthy of an Oscar. It’s shallow, predictable, and oh so tacky, and yet I cried. I’m like that –emotional. That’s what I love about movies, they make feel and see things I normally don’t. They also bring back memories or hit me where I need to be hit. I love movies and that’s why I chose to be writer. This love is als coupled with my sheer hate for movies. I hate them. I hate the way they make me feel so alone. They play with my emotions and leave me as the same person after I waste my time watching them. That movie just stole two good hours of my life.

Come to think of it, it’s not the movies I hate. It’s the fact that I’ve accomplished nothing by watching them alone. It’s like a rollercoaster, I go on it for the thrill, but I achieve nothing in the process. At least a rollercoaster rides end quickly and movies don’t. I’m tired of watching alone. The best way to watch a film is wth someone else, someone you’re actually interested in. You know why? Because you make memories with that person. Even though you’re stuck in your seat for hours, at least you got to share something with someone you actually give a fuck about. You make a memory with them. It sounds lame, but I’m not here to impress. I want someone to be with me, not just in watching movies. I want someone to get to know me so I can get to know that person as well. I want to someone to love and love me back.

Truthfully, I don’t care if that person is a girl or a guy. I just want someone. I can truthfully admit that I have this desperate yearning to be with someone. I want to fall in love. I’ve never felt it. I want to know what it’s like. I know I haven’t put myself out there yet, but I haven’t really met someone who made me want to do so. I guess hopeless romantics still exist. I’m living proof of that. I don’t know. I’ve run out of words… and yet the yearning’s still there. When will I meet you?

When I get sad about people leaving, people I don’t even know, it bothers me. How can a person be that depressed over the disappearance of someone they hardly even know? I get easily attached to people I read. When their personal lives seem much more interesting than mine, i tend to obssess over them… which is wrong. I shoudn’t do that, but I can’t help myself. They fill this fantasy I have for this life that is less than perfect. They have lives that I want. They have looks that I want. It all boils down to my insecurities. I’m a very insecure person who doesn’t like the way he looks, the way his life turned out… I want to start over as  different person, with a much different life. I want to be selfish. I want the perfect life, full of imperfections, but a life that I can be truly happy with. Yes, I’m ungrateful. I feel like I’ve been dealt with a losing hand of cards and I just don’t want to play it anymore. It’s depressing. I wantmy life to move forward and be better. I want to look better. I want to fall and be caught. These things just won’t happen. It’s but a dream that exists in my mind –the fucking dreamer again.

It sucks. In the worst way, it sucks.

That word is an understatement. I’m tired. I’m bored. I’m probably clinically depressed as well… as I often tell myself. Right now, I’m drowning in old nostalgic music. These trips are dangerous, but they sure keep my soul in a confused high.

Do you know what’s frustrating? It’s when I can’t be myself and think straight when I need to. It dawned on me a while ago, while my brother was watching this horribly violent movie, that I was writing one. I was writing a movie about death. What would I be teaching the world if wrote that? I’d be going against myself. I’d be a hypocrite. I don’t know… I feel light-headed right now.

So I finally decided to quit my stupid job. It’s not working out for me. Seventy fucking Pesos per page is not worth the trouble. I’m better than that. It sucks that I’m too sleepy to function properly right now. I have so many things to write right now but I just don’t have the energy to do so. I’m pissed because of one of my fans who gave those comments. They were all valid, but it just screwed things up for me. FRUSTRATIONS, I have a few, but the combined weight of them all is so heavy. I feel burdened. I feel like I need a cold beer right now… or better yet, sleep. Sleep is good.