I envy Bianca so much. I know it’s wrong but I would be lying to myself if I don’t confess it right now. I want to be free like her and find myself. I am so conflicted right now. Parts of me want to tear myself apart. It’s crazy in there. One idea’s colliding with another. Freedom and Christianity don’t mix, do they? I’m not sure. Even in that I’m mixed up. God gave us freewill but we are still in His chokehold if we are called to be His children. We will eventually completely surrender and trust in Him. We are His pawns but we’re free; it’s ironic really.
It was all so simple when I was Zen. I was free and nothing really mattered. I guess my fears and insecurities got the best of me. I took Pascal’s bet hook line and sinker. Is it selfish to pursue freedom or is it stupid for me to believe in something that relies on belief itself. I may be stupid and I may be not. Maybe the fear lingers in the fact that I might be giving up way too much for something that might not even exist. That’s why I need to leave. I won’t find the answers here. I need to explore the world and be away from all the things that clutter my mind: my family, the Church, my friends, my life. I need to be somewhere else. I need to find myself and not be blinded by the person created by these factors of socialization. I need to see who I really am. I need to go back to the start: Yes! A fresh start.
